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Top Gear Quotes

By on in Cars & Bikes

2,024 words, estimated reading time 10 minutes.

Memorable quotes from BBC Top Gear program, which includes quotes of Richard Hammond boasting of being a Driving God

When they made a rally version of this car, they had to fit uprated brakes... which they got from an Austin Maxi. How bad do the standard brakes have to be for an Austin Maxi's to be better??!Jeremy Clarkson on the Vartberg

We decided to settle this argument... with a race!Jeremy Clarkson, quite often

You worked that out? WOW! So you must actually have done everything there is to do in the whole world, to get to the bottom of the list of everything a human being can do. What's it like at the top of Everest?Richard Hammond after James May reveals he worked out the total number of revolutions his 25 year old Porches engine had done.

I went to a dinner party and there was this young girl who couldn't believe James May was still single.Jeremy Clarkson

Great news! It's news to warm the hearts of nations! Jeremy Clarkson has lost his voice!James May

But the good news is that we can talk about whatever we like and say whatever we like!Richard Hammond

Oh! it squeaks!Richard Hammond to Jeremy who's lost his voice.

What is that noise you're making?Richard Hammond to Jeremy who's lost his voice.

The Stig is so excited he's flicked on the indicator. He's rarely had so much fun out here.Richard Hammond during the Caterham R55 power lap.

The steering appears to have been taken from a lorry...Richard Hammond

Clarkson: I admit there are a few things I need to address...

May: What? Like the laws of physics?

Clarkson: I will get around them...
Clarkson's bright idea on how to avoid crashes.

Clarkson: What the hells accent is that?

Studio guest: I'm American

Clarkson: You can't be, you're nowhere near fat enough!
Clarkson interviewing a studio guest

Correct! Well done sir! Stand up to him, he's a big oaf just keep going.Richard Hammond

This car is vicious in an amusing way... like a shark in a funny hat.Clarkson on the Zonda F roadster

Were you watching that drag race? Did you see what the physics lesson did to your pantomime dame? It annihilated it.Clarkson on the drag race between the Pagani Zonda F Roadster and the Bugatti Veyron

Cop: The squealing of the tyres, the revving of the engine...
Clarkson: Oh no sorry... my foot slipped off the clutch.Jeremy Clarkson's explanation to a police officer

It's kind of like a Stephen Hawking FacebookRichard Hammond of the social networking feature of the Toyota iWheel

Are you John Lennon?An American to James May

How could you not like the GT2, you great fat balding useless hopeless bandy-legged bubble-haired pointless talentless gutless cowardly witless lump of suede-shoe-wearing daft-jean-wearing idiocy?Richard Hammond

I knew you were gonna say that...Jeremy Clarkson

What? All of it?Richard Hammond

Driving the Audi R8 is like smearing honey into Kiera KnightlyJeremy Clarkson

I'm sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.Jeremy Clarkson

Are you wearing that for a bet?Jeremy Clarkson pointing at James May

If Hammond drives into May's car, Bruce Willis will come in a State Department gunship and we shall all be killed.Jeremy Clarkson in America while doing a factual documentary.

The acceleration is so brutal! I think my eyes have moved around the side of my head like a pigeon.James May driving the Zonda F

2007 and Older

Well, we have been literally inundated with a phone callJeremy Clarkson

I am a driving god!Richard Hammond while driving a Bowler Wildcat.

When the afterburner lights, I haven't got 5,000 horsepower. I've got 10,000 horsepower, and possibly the biggest accident you've ever seen in your life.Richard Hammond shortly before the biggest accident you've ever seen

I'm a horse of a man!Jeremy Clarkson while driving the TVR Tuscan II.

Ferrari is so pleased with it, they've named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That'd be the same as Lotus calling their next car... 'The Colin'.Jeremy Clarkson talks about the Ferrari Enzo.

And the other thing is, every time they launch a new model, they try and outdo each other with the quantity of letters and numbers after the cars name. So! These are the two new models. This is the Subaru Impreza STi, WRX, WR, 1. And this is the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo. VIII, MR, FQ, 3, 20.Richard Hammond on Subaru and Mitsubishi

Unless I have been sorely misinformed, supermodels are powerless to resist a man with illuminated doorsills.Richard Hammond

The last time I saw plastic like this it contained Tic-TacsRichard Hammond on American Cars

This is amazing! A fit young racing driver in a supercar and he cannot pull away from a fat man in a four door saloon!Jeremy Clarkson on the Mitsubishi Evo 8 FQ400

Right, what we have here is a snooker table or as Richard Hammond calls it as he arrived this morning, "Crikey, a football pitch!"Jeremy Clarkson to Ronnie O'Sullivan

The thing is, it's a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever... 'Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power station? I'm a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I'm gonna swap some cogs around!'Jeremy Clarkson on Automatics

They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.Jeremy Clarkson while driving a Segway

It's, um, a mobile phone holder, or as Richard Hammond calls it, a seat!Jeremy Clarkson

Here we are, doing sixty miles an hour in top gear and the engine is doing 1,500rpm... It's idling! You fat Aussie slacker!James May on the Holden Monaro

The problem with the Morgan is it's just a car they forgot to stop making in the forties.James May on the Morgan Aero

I've never been so bored in my life!Jeremy Clarkson watching Terry Wogan on his lap in a reasonably priced car.

It's like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.Jeremy Clarkson on the Pagani Zonda.

I've just noticed, looking though these results, that ten of the thirteen bottom cars are French.James May while looking through the Top Gear survey.

-That's possibly why they're burning them in Paris at the moment!Jeremy Clarkson in response.  This was at the time of the riots in Paris.

It was just an ordinary day, and you saw them. There were guys in their Porsches, Look at me in my Porsche, ha ha! and they were overtaken by a van. Driven by a girl!Richard Hammond about Sabine Schmitz.

In some parts of America they've actually started mating with vegetables.Cletus Clarkson on Top Gear's big American Road Trip

Don't forget, she [Sabine Schmitz] was only half a second a mile behind you, and she was in this [transit] van.Richard Hammond on Jeremy Clarksons lap of Nurburgring in a Jaguar S type.

My life is now in the hands of A-level physics.Richard Hammond testing the theory that inside a car is safe in a thunder storm.

Look. A petrol station, the natural home territory of the Ford GT. And there it is, at the watering hole, drinking its fill. For the 47th time today.Jeremy Clarkson on his Ford GT.

The clutch is making my left leg hurt, and the gear change has been taken straight out of a Victorian signal box.Richard Hammond on the new Corvette.

Oh, brilliant. So you're saying the best thing about your four seat cabriolet is you can only fit two people in it.... God, you do talk some rubbish sometimes!Richard Hammond.

Now, this is really quite simple ,ok? Understeer works like this: you drive down the road , turn the wheel, but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. OVERsteer works like
this: you drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel, but the back of the car comes round like this, and you go off the road, crash into a tree and you die. Now, oversteer is best, because you
don't see the tree that kills you.Richard Hammond on car handling.

Oh, I've just seen the queue as we came off the roundabout! I can't live with the shame!Richard Hammond on the Top Gear caravan holiday.

If this were America, it would be full of people doing... whatever it is they do. Incest, mostly, I think.Jeremy Clarkson while comparing a rural British village with a rural American village.

Mothers will be fishing kids out of obscure cubby-holes for years!Richard Hammond on the Renault Megan's ample storage.

Oh, dear! I fear Jeremy may be heading this way with an opinion!Richard Hammond.

The thing is, it's a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever... 'Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power sta� I'm a gea
rbox! Oh, heavens, I'm gonna swap
some cogs around!Jeremy Clarkson on flappy paddle gearboxes.

The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won't let me turn the traction control off!Jeremy Clarkson in a Corvette.

It is very foggy out there today, but you'll note The Stig doesn't have his rear fog lights on, because of course he's not a blithering idiot.Jeremy Clarkson.

What's the Norwegian for 'Oh, cock'?James May.

I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!Jeremy Clarkson on the Koenigsegg CCX.

The thing is, I think I'm right in saying that I have never completed a single journey, anywhere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made. In fact,
if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at 'Actually I've Got a Peugeot' BBC Top Gear...Jeremy Clarkson talks about his Fort GT.

If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you've seen in the last ten weeks, do please keep them to yourselves.Jeremy Clarkson summing up the end of a series.

It's the coldest march for twenty years because of global warming.Jeremy Clarkson on Global Warming.

We're not just testing cars anymore, we're designing them!After the Stig test drove the Koenigsegg CCX around the track, Jeremy recommended they fit a rear spoiler. Later that year Koenigsegg did just that and the car performed much better on the track.

There are shantytowns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!Jeremy Clarkson on the Renault Modus.

Last time you were here, in the Liana: 1.55. You did it in, the Lacetti, in one minute... (stops and holds up the pen) Due to the unique way the BBC is funded... (looks at the camera) the pen doesn't work!Jeremy Clarkson writes up Michael Gambon's lap time in the Suzuki Lacetti.

Okay, what we've got here is a snooker table, or, as Richard Hammond said when he arrived here this morning, 'Crikey! A football pitch!Jeremy Clarkson talking when Ronnie O'Sullivan was in the studio.

Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!Jeremy Clarkson on the Car Biathlon.

I'm gonna have to explain all this to my nine years old boy... Who's ten I've just remembered!Jeremy Clarkson

Would the Element be a car for people who like hip-hop, or for people waiting for a hip-op?James May on the Honda Element

Actually, this is why it's called the F360, this model. You drive along and you go 'ffffffff' and you do a 360!James May on the Ferrari F360 handling

Terry Wogan (guest): Do you swerve to avoid rabbits?

Clarkson: Never. Do you?

Wogan: No.

Clarkson: Foxes?

Wogan: No!

Clarkson: No?

[Silence]

Wogan: ... Children?

Clarkson: I do, I do... Children, yeah. I have swerved to avoid children.

Wogan: You see, you see, you're too soft for this game.

Last updated on: Saturday 17th June 2017

 

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